Lapis Azul

I think it’s safe to say I want something more. I also think it’s safe to say that this is not really the ideal situation for me. My friend and I were talking about my current romantic dillema and she was saying that I deserved someone that was going to pursue me and who would value being with me instead of being wishy washy either way. AND I totally agree! It’s one thing to have no self esteem and grossly underestimate yourself and I think that’s a horrible practice and attitude that we need to weed out from girl’s mentalities. However, as a woman that knows her worth (peppered with some insecurities and self doubt, obviously), I also know that when I want something, it becomes something way different then just ‘what I deserve’.

I really like this guy - and he’s my coworker. He is so intriging to me and its crazy how much I like him considering that he is DEFINITELY not my type, he is super independent (almost to a fault) and almost selfish when it comes to making decisions. But I am sooo overly intrigued that I find myself falling all over him and fawning like an idiot whenever he talks to me - which is often because we sit RIGHT FUCKING BEHIND EACH OTHER.

So we’ve hooked up twice. Both under the influence, both wildly inticing because of the fact that we are coworkers. A few weeks ago we went to dinner, just the two of us and had a conversation. He told me that he couldn’t date me - because we work together. He seemed so conflicted that it was almost painful to hear him pretty much rejecting me but then wavering in his decision - my emotions literally being tossed back and forth.

I thought there was going to be some sort of a revelation where he was going to decide that he didn’t care what his past experiences were or that he didn’t care what people thought - that I was worth it to be with and that was going to be that. I know this sounds dramatic, but sometimes I think that if you are special to a guy, they will go out of their way to pursue you. Somehow, he didn’t get the memo though and has been treating me the same except refusing to take anything further.

Last night we went out with some friends and he was the same as always. Flirting and touching my arm. So when we went to my car so he could drop off his backpack and was kissing my head and holding my arm, I told him to stop playing games with me. Not in a ultimatum ‘I-can’t-want-to-be-your-friend’ kinda way, but just in a ‘please don’t hurt me’ way - he seemed generally unconcerned. He didn’t perceieve his actions that way and then playfully told me that I was playing games. I told him that I had been straight forward since the very beginning and told him exactly how I felt and then he agreed.

Later on that night, he told me that the timing just wasn’t right. Then he said that I shouldn’t worry, that I wasn’t rid of him yet. I told him I appreciated him, asked him if this was his way of ‘not playing games’ and wistfully looked into his eyes like the stupid, desperate girl that I vehemently am against.

But it hit me. I deserve a guy that will be the stupid, desperate guy that he is so vehemently against. Yet I CANNOT get this guy out of my head. He will continue to haunt me the entire time that I continue to have feelings for him. I wonder if I did change his mind, if I would still be selling myself short. Its funny, how there are so many capable and beautiful women in the world, and yet somehow, their choice in men don’t add up.

I really wonder what the outcome of this story is. For once, I want the fairy tale ending. For once, I want the timing to be right and for once, I want to like someone that is fully available and ready for them to love me. Because at this point, that’s what I’m ready to do and I just don’t understand why no one wants to allow me to do that.

It’s not dramatic, it’s real. I just want a little after giving a lot. Putting forth effort and pursing someone is hard work. Maybe its just a little perspective to remember for when I’m pursued…someday….. HAHA